People often worry that being assertive means being pushy. In fact assertiveness is the opposite of aggression. It's a way of communicating that respects both your own needs and other people's.

Four communication styles

  • Passive: putting others' needs above your own, avoiding conflict, staying quiet. It can feel safe in the moment, but leads to resentment, overwork and problems that never get raised.
  • Aggressive: putting your needs above others', dominating, blaming or intimidating. It may get short-term results, but damages trust and relationships.
  • Passive-aggressive: appearing to go along with things while expressing frustration indirectly through sarcasm, silence, delays or complaints behind someone's back.
  • Assertive: stating your views and needs clearly and honestly, while respecting the other person's right to do the same.

The same situation, four ways

A colleague asks you to take on extra work when you're already at capacity.

  • Passive: "Sure, no problem." (Then working late all week.)
  • Aggressive: "Are you serious? Do it yourself."
  • Passive-aggressive: "Oh, of course, it's not like I have anything else to do."
  • Assertive: "I can't take that on this week without the report slipping. I could look at it on Monday, or we could ask Sam which should come first."

What makes communication assertive

  • It's direct: the message is clear, not hinted at.
  • It's honest about your position and limits.
  • It focuses on behaviour and situations, not the person.
  • It uses 'I' statements: 'I need', 'I'm concerned', rather than 'You always'.
  • It leaves room for the other person's view.
  • The tone and body language match the words: calm, steady, open.

Useful assertive phrases

  • "I see it differently. Can I explain why?"
  • "I'm not able to do that, but I can…"
  • "When meetings start late, I lose time for client calls. Can we agree to start on time?"
  • "I'd like to finish my point, then I'll hear yours."
  • "I need to think about that. Can I come back to you this afternoon?"

Why it's hard

Most of us have a default style shaped by experience. People who've learned that speaking up causes trouble tend towards passive. People under pressure, or used to being in charge, can tip into aggressive. Recognising your default is the first step. The second is practice, ideally in low-stakes situations before high-stakes ones.

Assertiveness doesn't guarantee you'll get what you want. It does guarantee your position is heard clearly and respectfully, which makes a fair outcome much more likely.

Our Assertiveness Skills course helps people recognise their default style and practise assertive responses to the situations they find hardest.