Every manager eventually needs to raise something uncomfortable: performance that's slipping, behaviour that's affecting others, timekeeping, hygiene, a complaint, or a decision the employee won't like. Most managers delay these conversations. Many soften them so much the message disappears.

The cost of avoidance is usually higher than the cost of the conversation. Problems grow, the rest of the team notices, and when the issue finally surfaces the employee asks, reasonably, why nobody told them sooner.

Before the conversation

Preparation does most of the work. Before you sit down, be clear on:

  • The issue. What specifically has happened? Stick to observable facts and examples, not labels like 'attitude problem'.
  • The impact. Why does it matter for the team, customers or the work?
  • The outcome you want. What needs to change, by when?
  • Their perspective. What might be going on for them? What might they say?
  • Your policies. If this could become formal, check your procedures first and speak to HR.

Choose a private place and a time that isn't rushed. Avoid Friday afternoon or straight before they present to a client.

Opening the conversation

Get to the point within the first minute. Long warm-ups make people anxious and cloud the message. A clear opening names the topic, gives a specific example and explains why you're raising it:

"I want to talk about the last three project deadlines. Each one came in two or three days late, and it's meant the team has had to rework their plans. I want to understand what's happening and agree how we get back on track."

Listen properly

Once you've raised the issue, stop and listen. Ask open questions: 'What's your view?', 'What's getting in the way?' You may learn about workload, health, personal circumstances or a misunderstanding about expectations. All of these change how you respond.

Handle emotional reactions

People may become defensive, upset or angry. That's normal, not a sign the conversation has failed. Acknowledge the emotion without abandoning the point: 'I can see this is frustrating to hear. It's still something we need to resolve.' Silence is fine. Give them time.

If emotions are running too high to make progress, it's reasonable to pause and agree to continue later. Set a time.

Agree the way forward

  • Agree specific actions on both sides, including any support you'll provide.
  • Set a date to review progress.
  • Summarise what you've agreed so there's no ambiguity.
  • Make a brief written note, and send a follow-up if appropriate.

Follow up

The follow-up is where many managers fall down. If things improve, say so. Recognition reinforces the change. If they don't, the earlier conversation gives you a clear, fair basis for the next step.

A note on fairness and consistency

Difficult conversations land better when employees see them as fair. That means raising issues consistently across the team, focusing on behaviour rather than personality, and keeping confidential matters confidential.

Our Managing Challenging Conversations course gives managers a structure for these conversations and realistic, supportive practice.