Staff in customer-facing, public-sector, health, care and education roles regularly deal with people who are angry, frightened or frustrated. Most of these situations can be calmed down with the right approach. The aim of de-escalation is to reduce tension, keep everyone safe and give the person a route back to a calmer conversation.

Your safety comes first. If you feel at risk, leave the situation, get help and follow your organisation's procedures. De-escalation is never about staying in a situation that's unsafe.

Understand what's happening

When someone is very angry, the part of the brain that handles reasoning is temporarily overwhelmed by the threat response. That's why logic and explanations often fail at the peak of anger. The first job is to help the person calm down enough to think, before trying to solve anything.

Manage yourself first

Anger is contagious. If your own heart rate rises and your voice tightens, the other person picks it up and escalates further. Before responding:

  • Slow your breathing and lower your shoulders.
  • Remind yourself that the anger is rarely about you personally.
  • Decide to stay calm, even if you don't feel calm.

Use your voice and body language

  • Voice: speak slightly slower and lower than the other person. Avoid matching their volume.
  • Body language: keep your hands visible and relaxed. Avoid crossed arms, pointing or sudden movement.
  • Space: give the person room. Stand at an angle rather than squarely in front of them, and keep a clear exit.
  • Eye contact: steady but not staring.

Listen and acknowledge

People escalate when they feel unheard. Let them speak, and show you've understood by reflecting back the core of what they've said: 'So you've been waiting since nine and nobody has told you what's happening.' You don't have to agree to acknowledge.

Naming the emotion can help too: 'I can hear how frustrated you are.' Avoid 'calm down', which almost always has the opposite effect.

Find something you can do

Once the temperature drops, move towards a solution. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. Offer choices where possible, because choices restore a sense of control: 'I can check with the duty manager now, or arrange a call back this afternoon. Which would you prefer?'

On the phone

Without visual cues, your voice does all the work. Let the caller finish, use their name, summarise what you've heard and explain clearly what will happen next. If abuse continues, follow your organisation's procedure for warning and ending the call.

Know when to step away

Not every situation can be de-escalated. If the person becomes threatening, if you feel unsafe or if nothing is working, disengage calmly, get support and report the incident. Afterwards, talk to someone. Difficult encounters take a toll, even when they're handled well.

Our De-Escalating Verbal Conflict course lets staff practise these techniques in realistic scenarios built around your setting.